Adult Writing Contests | Got Your Goat | Midlife Collage

We live on a farm. It would be more accurate to call it a ranch, but most horse people call their properties ?horse farms.? This doesn?t make sense; we don?t plant horses, and then harvest them like tuberous vegetables. It is also confusing. After all, there are real ?farms? in the vicinity, growing crops and other farm-like pursuits. But there it is; we?re stuck with it.

In distinguishing ranches from farms, it does not matter how many horses you have, either. All you need is a pasture, an area larger than what could reasonably be called ?a yard.? You should also have a barn. We have only three horses. Well, one horse and two ponies. Some time ago, we operated a sizable horse boarding facility (farm) with as many as eighteen horses and paying boarders. Now we keep it small. We have our personal equines, two goats and four dogs. The goats and horses are understandable, but, for the life of me, I do not know how we wound up with four dogs.

We named our two goats Lewis and Clark. They are pygmy goats, each about the size of really fat German shepherd. Clark is clearly the alpha goat, because he waits for me to secure Lewis to his lead; then T-bones him. Walking them into their stall for the night is like flying two kites at the same time in a hurricane. No heeling for these boys. We bring them in for the night because of the coyotes, whose favorite dish is shish-kebab.

We got the goats because I was mumbling to myself one day about the pain-in-the-ass blackberry brambles in one of our paddocks. A gruff old man overheard me and said, ?Get yerself some goats, by God! They will make short work of that!? He said it so emphatically, with such assurance, that?I never doubted his wisdom.

We bought two goats the next day. Sure enough, there is not a briar left in the field, and the goats patrol around daring any impudent weed to think about sprouting. Since the goats only cost $120 for the pair, it has been a good investment.

If that old man had said, ?Get yerself some stock in derivatives, by God!? I don?t think I would have acted as quickly, nor had the same happy outcome. The old man said it was like the voice of God (or the Goat-God at least). He even looked like a goat with his white beard, small mouth, and the flaps of his hunting cap in disarray. He wore sunglasses but I would not have been surprised to see horizontally elongated pupils. He certainly did not look like a stockbroker.

If I should ever encounter him again, I would thank him for his advice, but I probably never will. In my mind?s eye, I picture him driving his old truck from state to state, shrouded in blue flames, cackling, ?Get yerself some goats, by God! Heeeeeee!?

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Marine Corps Vietnam Veteran. As yet, undiscovered actor and English teacher.

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Source: http://midlifecollage.com/2012/07/got-your-goat/

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